why we do the things we do

Some of our behavior is truly innate. That is, we have behaviors that we will exhibit without being taught. They are coded in our DNA and we do them without thinking very hard about them. 

One of those innate behaviors in social mammals is empathy. We know that a wide array of animals are not only aware of the suffering of their friends, but they will take actions to help them when they are suffering. This has been seen in mice, rats, dogs, and primates. It also seems to come with a sense of justice and equality. In a study with chimpanzees, researchers found that they were very sensitive to being given differential treatment. And better yet, this often worked both ways. 

It went something like this. Chimpanzees were given tokens that they could give back to the researcher in order to get a treat; a chunk of carrot or a grape. Like humans, they preferred the grape to the carrot, but would eat either. Until, they got treats in pairs. They began to refuse carrots when the other chimp in the room got a grape. When the reward for the same task was unfair, the chimps would refuse the lesser treat and often throw a tantrum instead. 

Better yet, when a chimp received a grape and his partner got a carrot, this chimp would refuse the grape! The chimp could see that his friend was being cheated and would refuse to play the researcher's game. It was an act of solidarity to refuse the desired treat when the chimp perceived the unfair reward to a friend, and it indicates a full understanding of fairness and equity. 

I would go a step further and say this also indicates that these types of social animals (which includes humans) are well aware that our lives are inextricably connected. We are in this life experience together, and what effects one of us effects us both, ultimately. It's a recognition that I could be in your shoes.

First, in a larger context, I'd like to say that I think we ignore this at our peril. This is directly related to the world stage at the moment. I see over and over that when the oppressor dehumanizes the people they are attacking, they can justify horrendous acts. We have lost sight of what humanity means.

To bring it closer to home, there are two things these social behaviors offer us in terms of our family dynamic. One is that humans are born with an innate sense of fairness, of what togetherness means and what we can expect from it. This is foundational in our psyche, and so we know that we can build on it. As parents we can look for this sense of fairness in our children and we can prepare ourselves to respond to it in a way that builds the kind of understanding of the world that we hope to instill in them. But we need to be prepared because the perceived unfairness will show up in small ways in their world every day. What do we want them to know?

Growing up I received a lot of messages that "the world doesn't revolve around you" and "stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry" or "well, the world isn't fair". And while at face value some of that is true, it taught me that it was ok that things were uneven and unfair. It taught me that my disappointment didn't matter. And I spent a lot of my first few decades on earth thinking it was ok that I was ignored, neglected, and treated badly. I wasn't the center of the world, what I felt didn't matter, and it was all ok because the world wasn't set up to meet my needs and wants. 

I'm not saying that will be everyone's experience, or that it's all my parent's fault that I accepted a lot of bad behavior from folks in my early years. But I am saying that I was taught a worldview that was in direct opposition to the innate truth inside me. It was confusing at best, and created a sense of powerlessness that was probably much more damaging.

So again, I come back to the question, what kind of world do we want to tell our children is out there? What nuance do we need, that we do not currently have from our parenting experts, about giving our children a consistent and also true sense of the world they live in? I suspect this requires a little more thought than we usually put into answering such a question. 

Switching gears a little, I also want to cover a common behavior in children that I think is releated. When we perceive something as unfair and we don't know how to say so to the people who hold the power, we throw a tantrum. This too is a natural behavior, an innate response to perceiving that something isn't fair. How we respond as caregivers to this situation determines a lot about how our children learn about what to expect out of life and how to navigate unfair situations.

That means that tantrums are a natural outgrowth of not being able to communicate with the person who has control of your environment. They are, in and of themselves, actually a communication of distress. So, what if we could see them as a natural instinct to communicate distress or displeasure, a need for someone to help us address our internal state of dysregulation? How would you behave if this was the lens you saw their tantrum through? 

Unfairness. It's literally an everyday occurrence. When do we stand up for others? When do we perceive that we have the power to do so? When do we feel solidarity? With whom? And how do we convey this worldview to our children? How do we want them to behave with their peers, with family, with folks they don't know? 

Just to be fair now, there is no right answer to this. It is just getting at being clear about when we are working with innate behaviors and how we want to build on those with our children. In chimpanzees, it turns out that there is a balance they are striking. They are more likely to boycott treats for friends or someone they experience reciprocity with in other social situations. Also, when resources are scarce, they are less likely to reject any food they are offered, even if it goes against their principles of fairness. I'm just inviting all of us to be clear about this balance.
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thinking about parenting and fairness:

What kind of world do I want for my children?
What do I want them to do in the face of injustice?
What perspective do they need in order to do that?
What is the developmental path through childhood that supports this perspective? 

• Infancy
• Toddlerhood
• Kindergarten
• Middle school
• High school

What can I share with them now about the world that would maximize their chances of seeing it this way?
If we think of this nuance as a continuum on a line between not empathetic and overly empathetic, is there anything else they need to know about when they're crossing into territory that is leaving someone out? (Remember that kindness includes them. Becoming people pleasers and catering to others is not the goal here. Healthy empathy lies where the needs of all people is being considered.)