For people who grow up under difficult circumstances having children can feel like a really big choice to make. And part of that choice depends on the confidence we have that we can do parenting differently than our parents did. But we CAN give our children a kind of childhood that feels healthier, with more good relationships and self-confidence than we had. 

(If you'd rather watch the video than read, you can go to the Landscape of Mothers YouTube channel and watch this video).

Once we find ourselves as parents it's likely that we're still struggling with some of the effects of our childhood experiences. We have internalized a lot of what we saw and understood when we were young and we don't know it's there anymore until we're exhausted, overwhelmed, and stretched too thin. And that's when all of our intentions to do things differently implode. We can't parent through our will anymore and we revert to the strategies our parents used because they are the most available in our tired brains.

For some of us this turns into a bad cycle. One where we feel like we've failed, we're not doing a good enough job, and the shame and sense of failure overtake us. When we hear ourselves sounding like our parents, and the disappointment in our ability to parent arises, we might overcompensate. This cycle creates instability, a sense that we can't rely on ourselves to behave as we intend to, and for our children they become uncertain of what to expect from us. 

What we are really looking for is the stable ground in the middle where we are present to our own inner workings and feelings, as well as to the needs of our child in front of us. But how do we get there AND STAY THERE!

Short answer is we don't always. But there is the possibility of being on that stable present parenting ground much of the time (enough of the time that our children can form some expectations around their needs being met). 

The enemy of the solid ground is the shame and urgency that comes when we blow up and do or say something we regret. We've treated our children like we were treated, instead of from what's really important to us. There's a deep discomfort that we want to get away from. So we're likely to try to patch things up as quickly as possible through overcompensating. This tends to feel yucky too, so we try to move on as fast as possible.

But what we all most need in that moment is presence. We need that for ourselves, and our kids need it from us. Our ally here is, paradoxically, slowing down. It helps to drop any pieces of urgency that we can, that are coming from our desire to rush past this discomfort, and to sit with it a moment. When we develop an Inner Mother who is capable of tending to our own disappointment and discomfort we are doubling down on that solid ground we are always trying to cultivate. We are bringing our distressed Inner Child to that landscape, as well as our child in front of us. 

This is growing up with our children. This is why having children can be considered a spiritual practice. This is why it can be healing for those of us with relational wounds from our family of origin to have children. There are other ways to do it, but if you find yourself in this cycle of "up and down" parenting know that this dedication to parenting through presence and relationship is healing to your Inner Child, your family line, and to your ancestors. It is doing repair on many levels.

Parenting from this solid ground with presence is the best way to build a relationship with your children that will last through the developmental stages as they grow, and on into their adult years. Most often when I hear of people who aren't in contact with their parents anymore it's because these relational tasks were left undone. Because they rushed past the difficulties and wounds of parent-child relationships, and the adult children feel like their parents don't see or acknowledge their experience. 

If this feels like a struggle that you see in your friends, please forward this post to them to let them know they're not alone. And if this is you, and you want some structure for this journey you can find my mentoring services on my website. 

At face value that's obvious. But how often do you give up yourself in order to meet someone else's needs? How often does some part of you that has needs, feel abandoned and left behind? 

I'm not saying to only ever consider yourself. I am saying that caregivers and parents are often put in positions where they have to tend to someone else's needs before they take care of their own. I am saying that when we grew up being the one who got into a pattern of letting go of (or ignoring) our own needs so that we could keep someone else (usually parents) to be calm or take care of business, we can get used to not tending to ourselves. 

Not tending ourselves is not sustainable. That's where burnout happens. That's where we revert to the behaviors we are most familiar with. That's why, even when we are trying to hard to parent differently than how we were raised, we end up sounding like our parents. We end up yelling or sulking or manipulating just like they did. 

And, if you're like me, it brings up grief and shame when I hear myself say some of the hurtful things they said. It feels like failure to end up behaving as they did even though I had such strong intentions to not repeat those wounds. 

But it's really not about being a "good parent" or a "bad parent," in most cases it's just about whether or not someone had the skills, tools, and good relationship modeling. It's about being able to be whole humans with good awareness and the desire to learn how to be together even when things are difficult.

So when you find yourself sounding like your parents, and the grief and shame rolls in, know that you are likely over capacity and you are overriding your own needs. Compassion for yourself because you're managing a lot is the first step. It's ok if you mess up sometimes. It's part of being human. And your ability to do the relationship repair with your family members is part of creating strong ties. 

Don't leave yourself out. Taking care of you when you find yourself outside of your current capacity is not shameful, it is human. Tending to your relationships through your shifts in capacity is how you BECOME the person who is the parent you want to be. This is not accomplished through managing your behaviors and suppressing what's happening in you.

Welcome to the blog of The Landscape of Mothers and The Mother Journey.  These are interconnected ideas about how we can embrace ourselves as human mothers, complete with the messy, the beautiful, the frustrating, the overwhelming, the fierce, and the ugly of motherhood… in short, embracing ourselves as whole beings while we engage in the role of Mom. 
 
So many moms I know have struggled to maintain their sense of identity when small children come along.  The job is easily overwhelming, as there is no manual, each kid is different, and “full time” doesn’t even cover the hours.  On top of the tasks, there is the attachment, adoration, worry, and constant research to just stay on top of each day. 
 
When I started my mothering journey I thought there were two types of mothers, Good Mothers and Bad Mothers. Most of the time I had baby barf on my shirt, my house was a wreck, and my nerves were thrashed from lack of sleep. After my second baby I had post-partum depression. I clearly didn’t look like a Good Mother.  I saw those everywhere… makeup, clean houses, clean clothes… I was a mess.  I was sure I was a Bad Mother. In the midst of the difficulty of having two kids under 2 years old, and certain that I was terrible at what I was doing, I had to save my own life. 
 
In retrospect, I wish I’d had a broader range of assessing motherhood. Our culture seems to perpetuate this dichotomous view… but my experience is that it’s not enough. It doesn’t make room for women to be whole beings within mothering. And when we feel like whole, real, messy people surrounded by other whole, real, messy people, then we can find belonging and comfort… which is so rare these days.
 
So, the Landscape of Mothers and the Mother Journey concepts were developed to help create more space in the dialogue of mothering. It’s meant to be a place where women can figure out where they are in the possibility in the Landscape of Mothers. Where are you now? What are your strengths? Where do you want to go?

And the Mother Journey, is an acknowledgement that we’re always working with different aspects within our parenting. In the (cyclical) Journey we find that we are often moving between mothering as a Personal Practice, a Spiritual Practice, a Political Practice, or a Lineage Healing Practice. 

If you like these ideas, if they inspire you to consider your own journey in a different way, if they feel like home even if you aren’t sure what your brain thinks, please consider signing up for my Mother Notes newsletter. There you will hear about blog posts, as well as receive more in-depth information about the Landscape of Mothers and The Mother Journey. I’ll also share more personal stories there.
 
Thank you for stopping by… I appreciate your interest in creating more spaciousness within motherhood.