the most influential things we do as parents

Since the 1980's family therapists have recognized four different parenting styles and researched outcomes for children even into adulthood. The styles are authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. While other researchers went on to refine this and change the titles of the styles, I want to share what I think is most important about these studies collectively. 

1. The degree to which parents support their children by guiding them through problem solving, being aware of what's going on for kids and involved in daily interactions, and by providing positive reinforcement has been shown to have positive impacts on children's behavior and academic performance. 

2. The more parents tell their kids what to do and think, the more likely the kids will be behave in aggressive and controlling ways with their peers. They are likely to have low awareness of their emotional state or the emotions of others, lack empathy, and resort to control as way to interact with others. This makes sense, right? We treat others as we've been treated because it's the set of strategies we learned to interact with. 

​3. There is an insidious nature of neglect in which without rules or support, the child is seen as a resource for the adults to get their own needs met. The child is left feeling unseen, unvalidated, and has no framework for creating their sense of self. This can lead to co-dependency, and extraction of the energy of the child for the benefit of the parent. So, just because we're not brutalizing our children doesn't mean we don't hurt them. 

4. These are somewhat artificial delineations. While some parents may employ some strategies more than others, know that it's possible, likely even, that a given parent may use all of these strategies at different times depending on their own capacity. The corollary to that is that even "good" parents sometimes punish or don't meet their kids' need for support sometimes. 

WHY DOES THIS MATTER?
I am increasingly hearing public conversations about estrangement in which adult children and their parents disagree on the cause of separations. I'm not saying one side is right and the other is wrong, but it strikes me that there is a consistent lack of listening to each other's perceptions that keeps reconciliation off the table. Both sides appear to me to just be screaming to be heard and acknowledged in their perception.

So, why would this be happening? Because there was a lack of empathy, communication skills, and capacity to truly understand and be understood by one another that long predates the estrangement. There is a lot of blame, blatant expectation, and shaming happening. These are the ways humans go about trying to coerce someone to give them the type of attention they want when the direct request is either not made or not met. 

I believe so much strife is rooted in the internal framework we have around our roles, the expectations our parents have of us, and the stories we are told about who we are. We are also limited by the relational skills we may have never learned from our parents. When we examine our past experience, our current desires, and our relational skillset, we can find our way to a way of healthier relating that leaves us feeling like our families are our refuge from the harsh world.
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RESOURCES

• Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent-child interaction. In P. H. Mussen (Series Ed.) & E. M. Hetheringtono(Vol. Ed.), Handbook of Child Psychology: Vol. IV. Socialization, Personality and Social Development (4th Ed., pp. 1-101). New York: Wilepy.
• ​Kuppens, S. and Ceulemans, E. 2019. Journal of Child and Family Studies. 28(1): 168–181.
• Rekha, S. 2020. Authoritative and authoritarian parenting with respect to emotional and social development in their children; an evidence based analysis. International Journal of Multidisciplinary Research and Development, Vol. 7, (12): 24-33.