You May Feel Like An Outsider In Your Family, But Maybe You’re a Lineage Healer

You may feel like an outsider in your family, but maybe you’re actually a lineage healer, and that means that you’re taking a stand for healing the pain. You’re taking a stand for supporting the children in the family to grow up healthy and whole. You are taking a stand for them not having to give up parts of themselves to be acceptable and welcome. You are taking a stand for the welcome and belonging of the child that still lives in you. 

You may feel like an outsider in your family, but that just reflects your certainty about how you feel. You know what you don’t want. You can see it happening. You don't want to go along with how things are. You’re sure of this. Even if you’re not sure what it looks like to do it differently.

You may feel like an outsider in your family, but you wonder what else is possible. You wonder what freedom from pain would make room for in your life. You sense that there is more connection, more care, more freedom, and more belonging available. You wonder what life could be like without the repetition of the painful behaviors, avoidance of responsibility, and poor coping mechanisms that are the root of the shared family pain.

You may feel like an outsider in your family, but you feel tenderly toward your child self that understood the world to be harsh, uncaring, and critical. You don’t want to push her away anymore. You are sensing her need for comfort, acceptance, and care. You really want to show up for that, to mother her now, in ways she wasn’t before. You suspect there is much to be gained by seeing her in a new light.

You may feel like an outsider in your family, but you find that you keep repeating the same sorts of relationship dynamics with other people. You’re figuring out that the early relationship training that happens in families runs deep, and that you need some new skills in order to have the kinds of relationships that you want. This is powerful. You are claiming that you want something other than what you were trained to have. You are getting in touch with your agency.

You may feel like an outsider in your family, but you have begun to recognize and believe in your own value. You are starting to think that some of the things you grew up believing aren’t really true, aren’t really about you, aren’t yours to carry. You are finding that there is more room than you thought for you to figure out who you really are, and that maybe those who told you who you were early on weren’t correct. 

You may feel like an outsider in your family, and you may wish they would see what you see. But they might not want to. That only makes you feel like more of an outsider, and it brings up the grief. They can’t see what you see. They see the world differently.

It means that a unique part of you is alive and well inside of the training you’ve had. While your family of origin tried to make you into someone else, you know that they’re wrong in some way, even if you can’t articulate it. You are a lineage healer. And it can also feel really hard to acknowledge this. It is the grief of being unseen for who you really are. It is the heartbreak of not being connected, of not belonging. All humans need connection, and not receiving it from the family you were born into is distressing.

Your grief is actually your compass. The grief points to the parts of relationships that are missing, the ways of being together that aren’t practiced, the family dynamics that feel upside-down and backwards. While it shows you clearly what is painful, hurtful, and where the loss is, it also shows you what is important to you. 

We do not grieve the things we do not care about. We do not grieve for what is unimportant to us. Grief shows us where we have longing, for something more, for being more. 

You may feel like an outsider in your family, but you are resisting being who they want in favor of being who you are. You are noticing what is important to you, what you do not want to live without. You are noticing the lack of attunement, where kindness is absent, how little compassion is held. And these are things you want in your life, things you’re willing to cultivate.

That’s powerful. It’s befriending your agency. It’s claiming your birthright to be yourself. It’s claiming your position as a lineage healer, the one who will not repeat the harms of the past. And your grief is your compass. Let it show you what you care about, what is important to you — get clear on what you’re moving toward. 

What are your strongest values? What is important to you in relationships? What does your grief tell you about what you care most about?