Why you need a big picture vision for your parenting

I often write about the big picture, the ways we are connected to nature and the archetypal forces of both nature and the Mothers. And I know that these writings do not always contain helpful pointers, scripts, or step-by-step strategies. I think there are enough life and parenting hacks in the world, and I trust that’s not what you need if you’re still searching for some kind of answer to what ails you.

I am writing for those of us who do not want to be told what to say to our kids when they’re having tantrums, but instead are trying to find a different way of being part of our family entirely. We’re looking for the path no one else has laid, because ours is a necessary path for our particular family line, given the harms we have caused, the harms we have endured, and the needs of the individual people in our family ecosystem. We need a new support structure, a new foundation, a new perspective, and we are the ones who want to bring it.

And while Landscape of Mothers can sometimes help in the practical day-to-day realm, I know that there is no one right way to do life or parenting. Each person, each relationship, each family has their own unique skills, tools, gifts, coping mechanisms, and traumas. And while there are themes, because of the interlocking complexities, there is no one right answer. There is no ubiquitous plan that will ensure the academic, relationship, and future financial success of your child or family.
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I would argue that who we are is a much more important legacy to leave our children than anything else we can give them. The world is changing rapidly and new technology (and new problems) will arise that we could never have guessed at. And so our biggest gift to our children is to see, articulate, and nurture in them their connection to who they are. We can trust that they are becoming the people they need to be for the world that is ahead of them. And that what they most need is our having seen and valued them as they human beings that they are, so they trust themselves.

I’m trying to say that it’s great to have scripts and hacks and behavior modification tools, but those are only useful insofar as we know where we want them to take us. If we aren’t using these tools to help our kids be the most themselves they can be, what are we doing? Are we using these tools to get them to comply with what we want? Or are we using them to manipulate? Or to control?

And this is where the larger vision of Landscape of Mothers comes in. And it’s why I talk more about perspective and intent and the systems of the natural world than how to deal with a toddler tantrum. Because there are a bunch of ways to deal with a tantrum, and the “best” way is going to be the way that your nervous system can meet them where they are. You can’t really think your way through relationships, you have to be present, you have to feel them.

In Landscape of Mothers we recognize that how you deal with your child is rooted in a bigger vision of what you think your role is as parent. It includes your sense of responsibility for your child’s inner experience, and what you consider important and desirable traits as your child grows into an adult. So parenting isn’t really just about how we raise our kids, it’s who we are when we spend time with them and who we tell them they are. When you’re really clear on your parenting intent and framework, it’s much easier to choose the appropriate tactic you want to take around the behavior of your child. ​