Where feminism and motherhood overlap

Mothers and babies are inherently connected, so much so that to define either requires referencing the other. To speak of (or perceive) mothers as independent of their babies is difficult. It is a paradox, and in it resides the tension between mothers and their offspring.

The exploration of motherhood is a journey of understanding ourselves as both autonomous and relational beings. 

This is where feminism and motherhood can deeply benefit one another. Feminism has always sought to perceive women as autonomous beings, humans in and of themselves. Motherhood is a relational condition, though, and as such has been a sticking point for feminists.

To bring feminism and motherhood together is to make enough room to encompass the paradox of being one's own person as well as being in an important relationship to one's offspring. 

If we can clearly see the ways that mothers are both autonomous individuals and also fundamentally relational, maybe we can have better conversations about caring for moms AND children, rather than deciding one side should have more consideration than the other.

We can begin with the presumption that both mothers and children are individuals first. And we recognize that their needs are distinct from one another, then in order for each to be cared for someone else must be present.

Mothers do not get this autonomy as things currently stand, because they cannot be separate from their children's needs if they are the only adults in the room, which often happens when mothers are home with their small children.

For moms at home, adult contact and conversation is limited, and most or all of her interactions are centered on the children. 

She has no self-tending time, nor does she have access to co-regulatory adults, down time, or peer conversations. She becomes lonely, exacerbating or making her more prone to postpartum depression and other mental health conditions that are less about her chemistry and more about her environment.

Current public conversations about women and children continue to see mothers through the eyes of the infant. In so doing, they inherently focus on the impact the mother's actions have on the baby, and obfuscate the ability of other adults to contribute to the care of the child.

The mother becomes the context for the child, but ceases to exist in her own right.

Her autonomy is easily undermined when we make her the assumed caregiver. We've erased helpers, support systems, and the mother herself. It's so easy to lay blame on her for her own frustration, depression, and fury.

We were never meant to do this alone. For 99 percent of our evolutionary history there were many individuals that contributed to the raising of each child born. Parenting feels extra hard now because so much of the work of raising children and caring for home and family has fallen to women in isolation from other adults.

Admittedly, parents these days are in a difficult spot. There are few social support systems, so we rely on personal ones; family, friends, other moms, many of whom are also spread pretty thin. We cobble things together, we overwork, defer our self-care, and these are all borrowing energy from tomorrow to function today. This isn't sustainable. And it looks like what gives is usually moms. They return home when caregiving for elder parents or children are necessary (as we saw during COVID).

In my opinion, we can point to the lack of structural support all we want, but getting the government to listen is getting increasingly difficult. Even when there is a popular majority opinion or need, the government is often unresponsive. This doesn't mean political action is not on our bingo card anymore, it certainly is, but it is unlikely to go any length to solve your immediate problem anytime soon.

So what do we do? We focus back on where we have power. What can we do for and with our friends and neighbors and communities? And while it's deeply unfair to be looking for help to other folks looking for help, it's where we are right now. These are the people who understand how important it is to be together, who are willing to figure out how to navigate difference in order to go after something much bigger, community. 

This is the relational landscape we evolved in. We need to relocate it.