the importance of acknowledging perspective

"As young girls we view our parents through rose colored glasses. Mothers tend to view their daughters through dark colored glasses" - Bethany Webster.

This is such a succinct way to point at the perspective differences between the perspectives of parents and children. Children give their parents a lot of room to mess up, and often see their parents in a very forgiving light because of the need for connection to the grown ups who help them meet their needs. But as adults, we've often been through so much. We have a different lens on the world as well as having more autonomy and power to take care of ourselves. 

There is something here for us around our parenting and it has a few layers. One piece is to acknowledge this differential. Our children are looking to us for guidance. But if they tend to see us in the best light, and we see them through the lens of our wounds and fears, we can easily respond to our own distress rather than directly responding to the needs of our children. 

I remember a time when one of my kids did something that scared me. In my childhood a similar (and super common teen bid for independence) went horribly wrong and I was hurt. So when this situation arose so did all of my wounds from my experience. It would have been really easy to come down hard on her with control, demand, and punishment. In fact, we watched some of the other parents involved do just that. We also saw the toll it took on their relationships.

In this case, nothing terrible happened. No one got hurt. But because all of my fears and wounds were up, I couldn't see through them to find my way to dealing appropriately with the situation that was in front of me in current time. Here's what I did instead of react with control and punishment. 

- I slowed way down and took a pause. I let my kid know that we were going to need to talk about the situation, but that first I had to deal with my old experiences that were not only alive, but on fire inside of me. I let her know I needed time before having the conversation with her. 
- My next task was to separate my inner fears and memories from my childhood from what was actually happening in current time. I needed to remind myself that my reaction was valid based on my own experience.
- First I had to address my inner experience. I spent time in the hammock and with nature for soothing. I acknowledged what had happened to me. I let myself feel the feelings of fear and shock, and I made room for my Inner Mother to care for my Inner Child with soothing, with tears, with acknowledgement. 
- Once my inner child calmed and felt seen and heard, I was available to deal with the situation in front of me. This meant it was time for a conversation with my daughter. I was able to stick to the facts of what had happened and share some of my fears without shaming her for not knowing what she didn't know. 
- Then we sat down to figure out what repair looked like. In this case we had to re-establish trust and we (my husband, me, and my daughter) talked about what that could look like. We set out several options and chose what worked for all of us.

This approach allowed us to stay focussed on our relationships and keep our sense of connection and shared responsibility. Luckily our daughter was equally invested in our relationships together. This isn't always the case and it gets trickier then, but I do believe the same principles apply. It's just harder, and it can take longer. But, in my opinion, it's still important to work from connection rather than control. Kids will never buy into control measures, but they will orient to their relationship with you if you hold steady in your commitment to connection. 

So, when is this technique helpful? Anytime a situation comes up that reminds you of something in your childhood that didn't go well. Sometimes we can miss this cue because in our bodies it will feel like urgency. It will feel like we are taking drastic protective steps. And while this can be true, if our response for protection feels to them like domination, it ceases to be centered in relationship. So, when our kids tell us that we don't understand, that what we're doing is unfair, or that they hate us, these are moments that we might want to pause and check in about where we are reacting to our old experiences and where we are responding to the situation right in front of us.