Four fallacies about changing family patterns that make it harder than it needs to be

Changing family patterns of relationships is a long haul task. Moving away from the ways our parents taught us their values, intentional or not, takes thoughtfulness, practice, and humility.

​We tend to flounder without an organizing sense of who we want to be as parents and what we want to instill in our children. This may leave us with the feeling that we’re not doing a good job, because we’re kinda piecing parenthood together as we go and it’s not feeling rooted or grounded. 

Changing family patterns is the kind of work we do for a lifetime.

It’s many small meaningful acts, rooted in care, repeated again and again. But it doesn’t have to be a huge lift, it doesn’t have to empty you to fill your kids up.

That brings us to our first fallacy:

1. If it’s hard I suck at it.

Yes, parenting is hard. Especially the way it’s set up with one (or maybe two) adults trying to work for wages to keep the whole family afloat, as well as meeting a whole suite of needs for their children on a long developmental path.

This is the work of a village, and humans evolved under the conditions of having many adults available to help raise children born into the community. It’s hard because you’re missing the support network, not because you are not good at being a parent.

2. I want to do better than my parents did, so I’ll do the opposite of what they did.

This one is tricky. It’s rare that I’ve heard someone say that worked for them. Most often this “opposite” comes with another, related, set of problems. It contributes to the polarizing idea that there are only two ways and you must choose one of them. From authoritarianism, where parents exert strict control over their children and expect compliance, the swing goes to permissiveness in which parents try not to control and enforce, but often find themselves lacking boundaries and routines.

When we buy into the polarity of one right answer and one wrong answer we pit the two extreme ends of a spectrum against each other and skip over everything in between. And honestly, if we just do the opposite, we often just end up with different problems. There are no fewer of them and they are no less problematic.

The key is to find something in the middle that is obscured by black and white thinking. What lies in the middle is healthy boundaries, clear communication, and cooperation. When you find yourself in a double bind (you have two terrible options and it’s difficult to choose between them) it’s often helpful to look for the third thing, the middle ground, the option no one is seeing.

3. I have no idea what I’m doing

I think you do know what you’re doing. You are following your gut because you don’t want your kids to feel the way you did. You want something better for them. And you’re willing to work for it.

At this moment, though, your actions may be motivated by getting away from what you don’t want. You may still not feel rooted in what you DO want. That’s different from not knowing what you’re doing.

4. I have to toughen up my child for the “real” world.

This is often used as a reason not to be kind, empathetic, and meet the child where they are. It’s used an excuse to not have to consider the impact of parental actions on children.

It’s often used in conjunction with a “what if they still do that when they’re 25?” They won’t. Kids don’t go off to their first apartment or to college still wanting to sleep in your bed, or believing in Santa Claus. They grow out of things. That’s what development means.

And early in development they need a lot of guidance about how to use their bodies, growing knowledge and capability, and their creativity to build their lives.

So, what happens if we let these perspectives go? Or at least update them a bit? We get to a place where difficulty with our kids doesn’t make us bad parents.

Maybe we start to believe these things instead:

1. Parenting is difficult in isolation

We are doing the best we can. Where that can be enough, it is. Where we need help, we can ask for and receive it (this doesn’t mean you’re always going to get what you want, but that when you ask for help you can fully rest into receiving what you do get. I see so many moms getting help but not recognizing or fully receiving it because it still never feels like enough).
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2. I want to do better than my parents did, so I’m going to focus on teaching my kids the life skills and experiences that are important to me 

Instead of focusing on behavior, I recommend choosing a few guiding principles and life experiences that you really want to give your children the full range of skills to accomplish. Things like communication tools, relationship skills, or exposure to the arts, can all be focal points for teaching your children about being humans.

Using that as a focal point, you can continue to build the smaller skills and knowledge that will help them develop those things fully. It helps to have a big vision and an iterative process to get there.

3. I know what kinds of experiences and relationships I want my children to have

While the ins and outs of daily parenting might feel somewhat elusive, you know what your dreams are for your family. Feel into the parts of you that wants a really good life for your children. That is your inner compass, your guidance system. While you can’t control how life will unfold, you can give your children the tools and skills that will increase their chances of healthy relationships and growth experiences while also minimizing the traumatic ones.

To get clear on this you can ask yourself a few questions that will further ground your parenting approach. What do your kids need to know about how to live a good life? What about being in healthy relationships with others? What are the most important skills for their success as adults? These are questions that can guide you to teach certain values, to be consistent in your message, and to model how to live this way. These become the guiding principles of your parenting strategy.

4.  can create a welcoming home for my children after they’ve spent time in the harsh world

If we opt out of believing that we have to be harsh to our children to prepare them for a harsh world, what are we doing instead? Creating a place they know they will always be welcome so they can take a break from the harshness of the world.

We instead believe that to remain generous, empathetic, compassionate people they need a place they can recover from the hardness that they are exposed to on a regular basis. We work to create a safe haven to feel safe and protected, to return to when we need some care and a little time to rejuvenate.

Good luck out there, I know it’s not easy parenting in these times of chaos. But I do believe that our familial and community resilience will be rooted in our ability to be clear about our dreams and our practice of taking action in that direction.
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You’re doing great!