Belonging as Liberation from Dehumanization

Self-compassion is the root of belonging

Belonging allows me to see myself as integral rather than apart from. Belonging, a felt sense of it, changes my perception and my inner dialogue. I am no longer separated from my needs through needing to justify them. I am no longer separated from others as a source of connection. My belonging is the foundation and framework.
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If my belonging is broken, if I perceive myself as an outsider, as unworthy of basic rights, or as subject to someone else’s control, then I am dehumanizing myself. I have internalized the dehumanization I received from others through abuse, neglect, abandonment, indifference, and rejection. I have agreed with them and deemed myself unworthy of having my needs met. I accept the position that I should not have an expectation of my needs being met.

This creates in me a suppression of the very things that make me human; my needs for connection, love, safety, and friendship. My needs become the very symbol of my brokenness and a vicious circle is created. I hide my needs away, refusing to tend to them, and I struggle with relationship and worthiness. I see myself as broken and irreparable.

But if my belonging is intact, if I can perceive myself as having a sense of belonging simply because I exist. I can find renewal and regeneration of humanizing and healing narratives. My needs become my path forward to connection and relationship. I become fortified by both the discernment that I learn in the process of reclaiming my needs, and in the building of relational skills.

With a foundation of belonging I am able to see rejection and abandonment when other people saying “no” in unskilled ways, but they no longer mean that I am bad, wrong, or unworthy. Those actions belong to the people who make them. Not to me. I am able to see abuse and neglect as actions of power that create inhumane conditions. And again, they are not mine to hold as the recipient of those actions. They belong to those who perpetrate them.

If I am unwilling to hold these inhumanities in others’ behavior, then I can reclaim my own humanity.

But individuals aren’t the only ones who hold power. Systems of dominance create a self-generating process that relies on creating inhumane conditions for others. In the face of these systems, how do I define my belonging? How far can I go in reclaiming my own humanity if I am still under the umbrella of these systems, trying to survive in them?

How do I not slip into conformity as a proxy for belonging? It is easy to do this when we swim in the water of dominance systems. We have to participate in them to some degree in order to have our needs met. In order to get food, housing, clean water, clothing, I must participate in capitalism as it exists where I live. It is extractive. It requires someone to be at the bottom, barely (if at all) able to get basic needs covered. It justifies those at the top continuing to make more money than they can spend because the system is set up to reinforce itself.

It is not easy to be in touch with our inherent belonging in the midst of these domination systems. But it is worth the effort. A friend and I started a group with others who were willing to explore what being together would be like if we all began with the premise that we belonged. It broke me open to my own sense of inherent belonging.

Where systems hold us in domination, we can gather as small groups that create a new kind of culture. We can experiment in these groups with what keeps these new foundations under our feet. How can we work together to create a culture in which we assume that all who join belong, and what practices do we cultivate that keep us together? It is an emergent process. It is unfolding with each gathering we have.
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It is up to us to create such connections. The practice of this is not easy, especially when we are embedded in and being acted on by systems that encourage and normalize dehumanization. It takes an effort to unlearn our ways of being together that undermine our humanity. It takes dedication to try and try again; to keep learning, listening, and finding a new way forward.