Asking for Help: Social Landmines

I was recently in a conversation with a group about the isolation that young parents feel. Even only a generation ago it seems there was more help, more support, more active grandparents, more community. Whether that was true in your family or not, it's clear that the more isolated we're getting the less we are stepping in to offer our help (or just do it) with young families.

I get it... this social experiment has real landmines. I can imagine a mom desperate for rest or to take care of a few tasks uninterrupted. I see her sitting at the playground watching her kid (or playing with them) but thinking of all the things that need to be done but here she is doing this now. I can imagine her trying to plan and organize things in her mind... "when we get home my kid will be satisfied with playtime, I can put them in front of a screen, wash the dishes, start the laundry, and then work on dinner"... but the thought of who can I ask for help probably never crosses her mind. And even if it did, I think most moms would think "nobody." 

Why doesn't she think of someone who could help? Because, in her experience, and amongst her friends, most people are feeling underwater. She looks around and is afraid that she'll ask someone who is every bit as overwhelmed as she is. She thinks of the people she knows and how busy they are too. She doesn't want to impose, to ask. She might also not want to feel like she can't do it, this parenting thing, juggling all the stuff. Aren't we supposed to have everything and be able to do it all? She might be about to bump into the feeling that she's failing. So she doesn't ask. Maybe she's even trained herself not to consider that an option (or maybe she was trained to think asking for help = failure). 

But it's so common to hear people say "parents just need to ASK for help!"  As if it's always been clear who's available to help us out. As if it's just because we didn't ask that we were suffering in overwhelm and silence. Believe me, if moms knew who to ask for help without feeling like they're imposing on someone else's life, they would. This wouldn't be a thing. 

So, it's up to us to offer. Or to simply step in and do when it's clear what's needed. That said, we need to tread this carefully. It can't be an exasperated and judgmental "oh here, I'll do that!" It has to be an offering, support, assistance. It has to be meeting what's happening with generosity and just the basics. No extra advice on how she should be managing herself or her child. Just help. With no judgment. 

Honestly, this is probably why people don't ask. We don't often get help. We get judgment. And when we're overwhelmed that only makes everything worse. 

Let's think of this in a bigger picture. For most of human history we've lived in tribal groups of 100-200 people. Our kids ran around, bouncing from one adult to another. Getting food from whoever had it when they were hungry. Did mom have to go over to the aunties and say, "hey, any chance you could feed my kid for me this afternoon?" I doubt it. The aunties could see when they kid needed something and they just did it. 

We've begun to lose the threads of simply tracking each other... of knowing where our beloveds are, what's going on in their lives, checking in, asking questions, bringing coffee cake over. This is what it takes to help moms these days. The kids don't come asking because they can't. Mom doesn't come asking because she's afraid to, but we can still step in and help. We can do it by checking in, by making offers, and by stepping in when we can and doing it gracefully. 

This is my prayer. It's a world in which we see and know and help one another. Where the one who is struggling does not also have the responsibility for asking. Where there are enough emotionally competent adults who can graciously step in and step back.

​There is so much nuance in this world. And I think we developed language in order to navigate that better. So, yes, ideally, ask if you need help. But if you think someone needs assistance, offer. It goes both ways.